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Adult Jokes

Adult joke is a very good thing and I am not joking by saying that. What can cheer up better then good joke - especially adult. That's why sometimes it is advisable to take a breath (it is common knowledge what most people search on the internet :-) and look aside. At this moment our collection far from the biggest, but we're constantly working on it and with your help, dear friend, we will fix it. So you are welcome to add your fresh jokes and what is more, we ask you - please help us to fill the page with good stuff!

Rear Axle

Friday, 05 February 2010 00:00

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to
last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was
concerned that he was disappointing his new lover,so he called his doctor
for advice.
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last
longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't
do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.
He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck
over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew
closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not
wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut
and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck
rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

Unga Bunga!

Thursday, 04 February 2010 00:00

Once there were three scientists who were walking in the woods. They were searching for butterflys. While they were sleeping that night a tribe captured them and put them in a tent. The first guy wakes up and sees the tribe cheif with a spear he says: Death or Unga Bunga? The first guy says: Unga bunga because I don't want to die! So they take him away. Unga Bunga is a guy with a ten foot long dick and he sticks it up the other guys butt for ten seconds and then the second guy wakes up and he sees the first guy come staggering back saying: Pick death! Pick death! But the guy doesn't believe him so he picks Unga Bunga. And then the same thing happens to him. Then the third guy wakes up and see the guy staggering back saying: Pick Death! So the guy figues that what the heck? And he picks death and then the chief says: Death! by Unga Bunga!

When Famous People said Fuck

Wednesday, 03 February 2010 00:00

Captin of Titanic; What Fucking Iceburg
mayor of Hiroshima; what the Fuck was that
David Letterman; Get the Fuck off my Show
Gen. Custer; Where the fuck did those indians come from?
Issac Newton; that Fucking apple hurt
David Keresh;Were fucked
Bill Clinton; I fucked her. ...Yes i Fucking inhailed
John Bobbit, where the fuck did it go!... FUCK FUCK FUCK
Richard Nixon; Burn those fucking tapes
Ronald Reagan; Fuck the Russians
The South; We never fucking lost
the North; We beat the fuck out of them
Hugh Heffner; Ive fucked the best
Challenger crew; Dont press that fucking button..BOOOM
Karl Marx; Boy was i fucking wrong
Osama Bin Ladin: I really fucked up this tme
Saddam Hossain: I should have shut my fucking mouth

More Jokes 6

Tuesday, 02 February 2010 00:00

Q)What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
A)See ya next month!

Q)What do you call two Lesbians in a canoe?
A)Fur Traders.

25 Years in Prison

Monday, 01 February 2010 00:00

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed on the other side of the room. The convict got on the bed and it appeared to the husband that he may have been kissing her neck. Suddenly the convict got up and left the room. As soon as he had a chance, the husband made his way across the room with the chair in tow, and turned to his pretty young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown. He whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it."
"Oh honey", the wife said, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years. But he wasn't kissing my neck... he was whispering in my ear. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

More Jokes 5

Saturday, 30 January 2010 16:38

Q: What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer?
A: Freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Q: How do you fit 4 queers on a barstool?
A: Flip it upside-down.

Tampax

Friday, 29 January 2010 16:37

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."
As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

Ready for Women

Thursday, 28 January 2010 16:36

One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."
The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"
The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.
Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."
The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."
The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.
The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.
"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.

AIDS Test

Wednesday, 27 January 2010 16:35

A Gay man goes to the Doctor, To have an AIDS test. The Doctor comes in and tells him he has AIDS, the man goes, "my god what can I do" the doctor goes "there is one thing you can do". the gay goes "what what is it". The Doctor, says "Eat 15 cans of beans,, a pound of Jalapeno Peppers, 18 bannanas, 10 boxes of crackers, and a gallon of prune juice". the Gay goes "will this cure it". the Doctor Replies "Hell no, but it will show you what your ass is for".

More Jokes 4

Monday, 25 January 2010 16:34

Mick says to Paddy "close your curtains next time you make love to your wife, all the neigbours were laughing at you yesterday... "well" said paddy, "the laugh is on them because I wasn't fucking in yesterday!"

This years strawberry picking contest has been won by a woman with NO legs !!!.............Jammy cunt.

Old couple sat in church. During the service wife whispers "I have just done a silent fart, what should I do?"
Hubby says "put a fuckin battery in your hearing aid"

Costume Party

Sunday, 24 January 2010 16:33

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.
The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied "If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".

More Jokes 3

Saturday, 23 January 2010 16:32

Man goes into brothel in Amsterdam and asks the madam for the fattest bird with the saggiest tits and a minge like a ripped out old fireplace, the madam says "feeling kinky sir?"
"No" replies the man, "just fucking homesick" !

For sale - Complete set of Encyclopedias 45 volumes. Excellent condition. Ј1000 ONO. NO longer needed, got married, wife knows fucking everything.

Scientists have discovered that beer contains female hormones. To prove this they gave 3 men 12 pints, suddenly they talked shite, gained weight and couldn't drive.

Elephant's Trunk

Friday, 22 January 2010 16:29

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.
"So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."
So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.
Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

More Jokes 2

Thursday, 21 January 2010 16:28

What does a 9 volt battery and a womans asshole have in common ??
You know it's wrong but sooner or later you are going to touch it with your tongue!!

Naked woman looking in the bedroom mirror says to her husband "I look horrible, fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment"
Husband replies "Your eyesights fucking spot on."

A man says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you last night"
"Aww did you ?" wife replies. "Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and pissed myself laughing"

Martian Sex

Wednesday, 20 January 2010 16:27

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."

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Tuesday, 19 January 2010 16:25

A wise man once said you should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner........Once she stops sucking......Change the fucking bag

Bloke wants his 70 year old wife dead. He asks a hitman how he would do it. He says "I would shoot her below the left nipple" Bloke says "I want her dead, not fucking knee capped!"

Whats the difference between PMS and CJD ??
One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental, the other is an agricultural problem.

Sign of Power

Monday, 18 January 2010 16:24

A tribe in the jungle consider farting after every meal to be a sign of power, however the chief of the tribe finds it extremely difficult to fart.
His servant goes to the doctor and say "big chief, no fart" so the doctor gives him a pill
The next day the servant goes back to the doctor and says "big chief, still no fart" so the doctor gives him a big pill the size of his hand
On the third day the servant goes back and says "big cheif still not fart" so the doctor gives a pill the size of a football
The next day the servant comes back and says to the doctor "big fart,no chief!"

The Insect

Sunday, 17 January 2010 16:20

A family are driving behind a dustcart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. Embarassed and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect, to which one of the boys replied "I'm supprised it can fly with a cock like that!"

Getting Jewellery

Saturday, 16 January 2010 16:20

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her young daughter walks in. "Mommy, where do babies come from?" After thinking about it for a moment, the mother explains, "Well, dear, a girl and a boy fall in love and get married. Then, one night they go into their room, hug and kiss, and have sex." The child looks puzzled. The Mother continues, "That means that daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, dear." The child replies, "But, the other night when I came into your bedroom, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that, Mommy?" "Jewellery, dear."

ARE YOU DIGGING ENOUGH ?

Friday, 15 January 2010 15:44

Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable.
Father (F) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!
S : Why do women enjoy sex more than man
F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.
S: Why do women hate it when they get raped .
F: It is like when you are walking on the street,someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it ??
S: Why woman cannot have sex when they are having menstruation?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it ??
S: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.
S: Why are making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!
S: What is an orgasm ?
F:The same as sneezing. but the the other way round
S: Is it true that women love big dicks ?
F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb ?
S: What's anal sex?
F: Picking your mouth

ARE YOU DIGGING ENOUGH ?